老么情結

有孩子前，看婆婆寵小叔的樣子，覺得很不可思議。我記得跟先生說了好多次，我希望以後我們的老么不是男的。後來我們三年生了四個，四個都是男的。沒有選擇的，我的老么是個男孩。老么現在15個月，最近感觸多多。

老大是雙胞胎，雖然很愛他們，但是管的還是比較嚴，對他們有明顯的期望。很明顯的，對老三有時就睜一隻眼，閉ㄧ隻眼。做錯事要懲罰他時，還會看他可愛就心軟。先生似乎也是這樣，對老么嘻皮笑臉的，逗他開心，對老大很多時侯是板著臉的。

老么七月要去上托兒所，我希望他在那之前能學會走路。牽著他的手走了幾步，他自己就推著學步車探險去了。看他背對著我，越走越遠，心裏突然酸酸的。我的 baby 會走了，有他自己的世界了，不要我再抱了。不只這樣，我還發現做媽的我不相信老么自己會做某件事，心裏認定他就是不會，因為他是最小的。因為他是最小的，所以不會，所以替他做，所以最可愛，所以管的最鬆，所以要求最少，所以最寵，所以可以依賴，反而還希望被依賴，所以我永遠懷裏都有ㄧ個 baby。

我很高興我現在看到了，我要時常提醒自己，公平對待，孩子會長大，會有自己的人生，自己的世界，我這個做媽的有一天會不被需要。我的責任是當個好園丁，提供養分，適合的環境，把小樹苗養成大樹。不要揠苗助長，不要規定他們長成我要的樣子。條條大路通羅馬，只要他們有正當的工作，能自己養活自己，努力認真過生活。我知道孩子要走時，我會捨不得，但不要攔著他。

我現在終於瞭解，能體會，許多媽媽言語之間對老么多關愛，也能瞭解婆婆如何寵小叔的心情。我也會有同樣的心情，但是我要提醒自己，孩子要寵也要教，孩子會長大，要去過自己的人生，建立自己的世界，要尊重他，盡量少干涉。我永遠是他媽，永遠支持他，永遠愛他。

Shoe shopping

I bought some closed toes water shoes for the kids to be their summer shoes. They are cheaper than the regular sandals or shoes, which is perfect for the short summer we have here. (Not a lot of money, but fit the bill.) however, Joshua's shoes start to worn out after only one month, or not even one month! So... I need to buy new shoes for the twins (might as well). I happened to receive a string of coupon emails from some stores, and the prices are really good. We didn't have time to go this weekend, so we could only go tonight. First, I wanted them to be there, so they could try on the shoes. Second, I wanted to go as soon as possible, so there would be plenty of choices, because it seems like they run out of the exact size I want every time.

OK, to get them out of the door was already a battle. I had to yell all the way, finish your dinner, put your socks and shoes on! HURRY!!

Then when we were in the car, Joshua said "thank you mommy for cooking dinner for me." It was such a surprise, but ... wait! He didn't even eat much! I asked him who taught him to say that. He told me Ms. Teresa. I will for sure let the teacher know that her teaching is so successful.

When we got to the store, the boys were so excited. It was in the evening, there were only one other mom and her two kids, one girl and one boy. They sat quietly playing blocks and puzzles. The twins were so excited, running and screaming in the store. I told them to go sit and play blocks quietly, while I indulged myself in the cute and glittering girl clothes. I finally made my way to the boys shoes section. Ah~ so boring compared to girls shoes. 

I turned and I saw Joshua on the Lego table. I told him to come off, and the little girl said "that's what I was trying to tell him." She had "he's driving me crazy" written all over her face. Oh~ I didn't know what to say. Girl, you're not alone.

Then I wanted the boys to pick out the shoes they liked. They did, but apparently they were more interested in playing. I couldn't tell if they really like the shoes they picked or just brushed me off. Shoe shopping is not an exciting thing for boys at all! The whole time they were very excited, being silly and laughing so hard. 

Lessons learned:

Lesson 1: pay the price to buy a decent quality pair of shoes. Boys break everything. That's their goal of life, at least for now.

Lesson 2: boys don't care about what clothes or shoes they wear. They are definitely not excited about clothes shopping. Shopping for food is a different story.

Turning 40

I just turned 40 years old. It is the first milestone birthday I had with my husband and kids. After 40, I need to be extra cautious about my health. I love my kids. I need to be healthy, so I can raise them up. I need to be healthy, so I won't become a burden to my husband. They are the most important people in my life. When I get old, at a nursery home, they are the ones I will miss when I look back my life, nothing else. Nothing else is important, but them. Although I will live in a man cave (literally) for 20 years, enduring their messiness and testosterone, these might just be the best years of my life. 我生活在男人國裡，左擁右抱。這個抱完了換下一個，全世界也只有我能。I kiss this and hug that any way I want. I'm having a blast everyday!

Too many kids

Yesterday when we were ready to go out, everybody was at the door putting on their socks, shoes and coats. It was crowded. Suddenly Joshua said, "Too many kids! There are too many kids!"

Yes, Joshua, we all have to get used to such a big family. We all need to learn how to be with and treat each other in a family of 6.

There is a big difference between having 3 kids and 4 kids. I still feel things are somewhat under control when there were 3 kids. With 4 kids, things are constantly out of control, and to maintain it is just too exhausting. I still can't figure out why.

Not just about "control" or "order", the financial stress also doubled. The twins are 4 years old now, and I think they might be benefit from some extracurricular activities. But a thought remains a thought, after finding out the cost and the schedule (not long enough to make us childcare-worry-free.) Or probably the main reason is: I don't have time to do research on the extracurricular activities!

I feel sorry for my kids. I worry that they would be at a disadvantage that we can't provide them what other kids might be enjoying. In my dream, I want them to get good grades, go to good schools, get a great job and have a wonderful life. 

When a baby is born...

When a baby is born, it is the beginning of a mother's suffering. No matter it's born through natural birth or c-section, there's pain. The enforcement of the breasts, breastfeeding, around-the-clock feeding, these are not only exhausting but painful too. Moreover, there are hormonal changes, the mood swings; having a baby is just like a nightmare for a mother!

Babies cry. It's a fact. They cry more especially in their early days. Babies cry, and that's the way they communicate to get their needs met. There must be something wrong when a baby cries, either he is hungry, tired or having a dirty diaper. Sometimes they can be calmed (rocking, singing, giving him pacifier), but sometimes they just won't stop crying no matter what you do. If a parent is in her exhaustion, and the baby doesn't stop crying, there is a tendency to get mad and "shake the baby" and yell "STOP CRYING". When you realize you are having that temperament, walk out of the room, let yourself have a break and ask another caregiver to take care the baby. This is very important.

I remember when the twins were little, especially around evening hours (8-10 pm), Caleb would cry inconsolably, because he's tired, and he wanted his pacifier but couldn't seem to find it. (It was right by his mouth.) I would feel so defeated, feeling I was such a bad mother that I couldn't calm my baby down. I remembered what the nurse said, so I gave Caleb to my husband, but I would go cry in the shower.

Matthew was the same. He would cry for a while, nothing I did could calm him down. I tried to feed him, rock him, nothing worked. So I put him down on the sofa, and I started to sing to myself (台北的天空). Magically he stopped crying and started to sing with me (cooing). So whenever he was upset, I just sang that song. It worked.

For Baby Paul, there were a couple of times, he wouldn't stop crying. Really I tried to rock him, sing to him, put pacifier in his mouth, nothing worked. At the same time I was taking care his brothers. Eventually he fell asleep in my arms, he was tired. 

Sometimes there is nothing we can do when a baby cries. It has nothing to do with if you are a good mother or not. 

I need to remember this. How it is uncomfortable for a woman after birth, and how exhausting to take care a newborn baby. When I'm a mother-in-law, remember to be thoughtful and help out as much as I can.